Saturday, December 29, 2012

The ominous black hole of nasty

It's been so long since we last spoke that for now I'm going to skip right over Christmas break and go into my latest accomplishment.

For Christmas I received a gift card for $50 to Lowe's. Now, before I became a homeowner the only section of the hardware store I frequented was the flower section. Mostly I'd just "ooh" and "ahh" over all the pretty flowers that I'd someday plant at my own house and leave having bought nothing.

Now that I own a house, let me tell you, getting that gift card on Christmas morning was like inheriting a fortune (hey, everyone has a different definition of "fortune").

This morning I had planned on spending a relaxing, lazy day on the couch with Pippi....until I ended up in the bathroom faucet section on the Lowe's website. Before I knew it, I was watching the handy video on installing a bathroom faucet and posted this on Facebook.

Apparently I'm now a man with intermediate level home improvement skill.
And, yes, I remembered to turn off the water first.

Some background: You know those little things in your house that annoy the heck out of you but, for one reason or another, you're unable to fix them right now? Ever since the day I moved into my house, the master bathroom was almost all those little things rolled into one. The dude who owned the house before me was a slob. And that's one thing I didn't find out about him from his mail. When I say he was a slob, I mean it to say that it's pretty obvious he didn't clean his master bathroom. EVER. The three areas where this is abundantly apparent?
  1. The toilet, which now has a ring around it from where the filth ate away at the porcelain (you only think I'm kidding)
  2. The bottom of the tub, which is permanently stained. I've scrubbed it A LOT, with just about every cleaning scrub and brush I own and it still looks like someone rubbed it with a black crayon.
  3. THE SINK FAUCET. The metal was being eaten away and the insides of the plastic knobs (heh...knobs) were green with mold. Also, the plunger in the sink was missing, so it was an ominous black hole of nasty.
I texted my brother to ask if this is actually something I could do on my own and he seemed confident and offered to help if I needed it when he got off work. Since he knows me pretty well, I took this as my cue to just go for it.

Are you ready for two of the most boring photos ever?

under the sink. <yawn>

pipes under the sink. <zzzz>

Clearly I'm not meant for a career in plumbing—laying under a sink, showing no butt crack, and attempting to loosen very tight things in very tight places with large tools. Also, I almost dropped a wrench on my face. I did, however, rediscover my inner potty-mouth, which reminded me my next post will be about running.

Here's the disgusting "before" faucet and black hole.
And now, just like me, you can't un-see its penis-esque
quality. You're welcome.

Here's me, posing victoriously with the old phallic-shaped faucet.
If you or anyone you know is in the market for a rusty,
moldy piece of history, let me know.

And, after much colorful language and many brushes with a wrench-dented face, the beauteous finished product!

And now I have a mostly full tub of plumber's putty which, unless someone wants to help me buy a new toilet, I may need to sculpt fun things out of, a la Play-Doh (yes, I had to stop myself a few times in the middle of the faucet replacement).

I asked my friend after it was done if this ego boost I sensed is what men feel like every time they complete a home improvement project and she suspects that it is. What say ye?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Frosty is a diva

Here's something you may already know: Dogs are disgusting. They're also loving and funny and I enjoy them, but seriously, dogs are DISGUSTING.
Am not!

It's no secret they do stuff like eat gross things and lick themselves in public. I found out something new about my disgusting little four-legged friend yesterday.

Remember Frosty the Finger Puppet?

That picture was taken around lunchtime on Saturday. Some time between then and about 3pm, Frosty disappeared. I looked EVERYWHERE for him. I moved furniture, I cleaned out the dog crate, I checked etsy packages that I had ready to send out...and nothing. He had disappeared off the face of the planet! I even made sure to notice there was no white fluff in Pippi's poop.

And then, about five minutes into my workout yesterday, that dog throwing up sound started and I acted quickly and flipped her around so she wouldn't let loose onto the carpet. Guess who emerged ... entirely intact!
Nice rack, Frosty.

I bet you didn't know a dog could swallow a finger-sized stuffed toy whole, contain it for 48 hours, and return it in the same condition as when it was swallowed. The only time I left the house on Saturday was to walk to the mailbox and get the mail. That's the only time it could have happened. It's like Pippi had been planning his demise for days.

Since his miraculous discovery, Frosty has been washed in hot water, bleach, and detergent. Twice. I let him soak overnight in a bath of vinegar and water (that was boiling when he was submerged), and then washed him several times with antibacterial soap.

This is like a day at the spa compared to where I've been.

He pretty much looks good as new except that his scarf is now red and white instead of pink and white, he smells like a cross between a swimming pool and an easter egg, and I probably won't handle him without then washing my hands, but FROSTY LIVES!

I'm a survivor. I'm goin' make it. I will survive. Keep on survivin'.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Insanity update

Well, I'm halfway through my second week two of Insanity and, I must say, It actually is getting less "I'm going to die!"

You know how you can watch a movie several times and pick out something new each time you watch it? That's what these DVDs are like. It's part kick-ass workout and part comedy club. There are two girls in particular who probably shouldn't be on camera that make me laugh every time.

Meet Adriana. This is right around the time in the plyometric cardio interval DVD where Shaun T. asks her how she feels and she responds with a heartfelt, "I feel like shit." Earlier in this DVD when taking a water break, she hawks a loogie on the floor. The video editors must not have felt the need to edit that out. Classy. And disgusting.

Next up we have Shanita. In my opinion, Shanita is even less qualified to be on camera on a "motivating" workout DVD than Adriana, if you can believe that. When asked how she feels, she tells Shaun T., "I wanna leave," to which he responds with a "go take a break." Burn, Shanita. BURN.

To her credit, this DVD (Pure Cardio) is tough. It's also the video I'm doing again today. Yippee..

Also, I really enjoy the fact that, after the intense "warm-up", in each DVD there's a session of stretching before the craziness...ahem...Insanity begins. I don't know about you but a ton of stretching at the end of a workout is pretty much the last thing I want to do, so I really appreciate this approach.

Also, is this week going insanely slow for anyone else...and not in a good way?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The internets strike again

Thanks to the internet and a growing need in me to always be doing something, I taught myself to be a grandma this weekend!

Yes. Yes, I do feel cooler now. Thanks for asking. I've attempted a "scarf" twice and last night while I was in the shower, Pippi destroyed my latest attempt by chewing up my needles. It's a good thing I have more coupons for Michael's.

Wanna know what else makes me cooler? The most awesome hat ever.
On sale at Old Navy for $5? Yes, I needed it.

Happy early birthday to me.

The last couple of days have been unseasonably warm and, especially after the Summer we had, it really annoys me! It's freaking December and it's supposed to be 70 degrees out on Saturday. It's currently 63. I've got sweaters and scarves and boots just itching to be worn. Is anyone else annoyed by this? No? Just me? Penguin hat is so bored in the closet.

This has nothing to do with anything except that it's hilarious.

Also, this weekend I ordered myself a space heater. It's always at least three degrees warmer upstairs in my house than it is downstairs, which is just enough for my feet and hands to stay icy cold when it's cold outside.

Since I can't flick a switch and turn on a nice warm fire, I'll let this fancy little fella keep me warm instead. I just decided his name will be Peter. Peter the Heater!

I know a little puppy who is going to love it too.

Just don't deny me of my blankets and we're good.