Saturday, December 29, 2012

The ominous black hole of nasty

It's been so long since we last spoke that for now I'm going to skip right over Christmas break and go into my latest accomplishment.

For Christmas I received a gift card for $50 to Lowe's. Now, before I became a homeowner the only section of the hardware store I frequented was the flower section. Mostly I'd just "ooh" and "ahh" over all the pretty flowers that I'd someday plant at my own house and leave having bought nothing.

Now that I own a house, let me tell you, getting that gift card on Christmas morning was like inheriting a fortune (hey, everyone has a different definition of "fortune").

This morning I had planned on spending a relaxing, lazy day on the couch with Pippi....until I ended up in the bathroom faucet section on the Lowe's website. Before I knew it, I was watching the handy video on installing a bathroom faucet and posted this on Facebook.

Apparently I'm now a man with intermediate level home improvement skill.
And, yes, I remembered to turn off the water first.

Some background: You know those little things in your house that annoy the heck out of you but, for one reason or another, you're unable to fix them right now? Ever since the day I moved into my house, the master bathroom was almost all those little things rolled into one. The dude who owned the house before me was a slob. And that's one thing I didn't find out about him from his mail. When I say he was a slob, I mean it to say that it's pretty obvious he didn't clean his master bathroom. EVER. The three areas where this is abundantly apparent?
  1. The toilet, which now has a ring around it from where the filth ate away at the porcelain (you only think I'm kidding)
  2. The bottom of the tub, which is permanently stained. I've scrubbed it A LOT, with just about every cleaning scrub and brush I own and it still looks like someone rubbed it with a black crayon.
  3. THE SINK FAUCET. The metal was being eaten away and the insides of the plastic knobs (heh...knobs) were green with mold. Also, the plunger in the sink was missing, so it was an ominous black hole of nasty.
I texted my brother to ask if this is actually something I could do on my own and he seemed confident and offered to help if I needed it when he got off work. Since he knows me pretty well, I took this as my cue to just go for it.

Are you ready for two of the most boring photos ever?

under the sink. <yawn>

pipes under the sink. <zzzz>

Clearly I'm not meant for a career in plumbing—laying under a sink, showing no butt crack, and attempting to loosen very tight things in very tight places with large tools. Also, I almost dropped a wrench on my face. I did, however, rediscover my inner potty-mouth, which reminded me my next post will be about running.

Here's the disgusting "before" faucet and black hole.
And now, just like me, you can't un-see its penis-esque
quality. You're welcome.

Here's me, posing victoriously with the old phallic-shaped faucet.
If you or anyone you know is in the market for a rusty,
moldy piece of history, let me know.

And, after much colorful language and many brushes with a wrench-dented face, the beauteous finished product!

And now I have a mostly full tub of plumber's putty which, unless someone wants to help me buy a new toilet, I may need to sculpt fun things out of, a la Play-Doh (yes, I had to stop myself a few times in the middle of the faucet replacement).

I asked my friend after it was done if this ego boost I sensed is what men feel like every time they complete a home improvement project and she suspects that it is. What say ye?


  1. Way to kick that faucet to the curb! Great job! Living with a man, I can tell you they are allergic to cleaning the bathroom. i don't even want to tell you!

    Love the shirt you're wearing! :)

  2. Well, I am quite impressed, as I could never in a million years imagine doing this myself. I can't see I see the phallic reference myself but to each their own. I am dying for the running post!

  3. I am a tad concerned about your ability to find penises everywhere, but very proud of your handyman skills!

  4. All of our bathroom faucets are penis shaped and now I feel a burning need to replace them. I think I'm going to have to thanks to you. It can't be harder than installing a ceiling fan, right?