I'm troubled

It's been quite a while since I couldn't fall asleep at night because my brain was full of ridiculous thoughts. That is, until last night. It got so ridiculous that I had to write it all down so that I could put it to rest (and get some rest).

Last week I lost one of the rubber ear pieces for my earbuds and replaced it with one that was slightly different and then I had different sound in each ear. That just wouldn't do. I had some other replacement ear pieces and also an extra pair of earbuds somewhere. But where did I put them? Of course, this didn't occur to me until after I'd already gone to bed. I couldn't have thought about it earlier in the evening. That would have been too convenient. After going through the many possible places they could be, I couldn't let it go. I had to get out of bed and check if they were there. They weren't in any of those places. And so, the earbud thoughts went on.

I was thinking of this scene over and over. Thanks to the internet, now you can too!

And, as thoughts tend to do, the earbuds thoughts somehow morphed into the "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" saying. What about smell no evil and touch/feel no evil?! THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT!

But can't you SMELL that?!

And then, I started thinking about trash bags. Logical segue, right? This past weekend I was at my brother and SIL's house and my brother had just taken out the trash, so I grabbed another trash bag. To my amazement, they smelled like heaven. They were a special Febreze-scented variety and WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THESE? I need these in my life. Who doesn't want to pretend their trash don't stink?

Shield that odor.

The last thing I remember thinking about while falling asleep is my freaking car registration/tax bill. I have several neighbors whose car registrations expired years ago and they're driving around with expired tags and I'm losing sleep over the fact that I have a $150 bill for car registration and taxes that I have to budget for in the next month. I got really close to convincing myself that I'm going to turn all my neighbors in to the police before it was clear I needed to find a way to just go to sleep already.

I'd hire someone to read this to me but laughing isn't conducive to sleep.

I actually had to take out my phone and add a "note" with all this in it so that it was documented somewhere other than in my head.

I'm very troubled.

Lumberjack with pretty feet

And the internet wins again.

This past weekend I finally did a few things that were long overdue. For one? I got a freaking pedicure!

I never do red. So mainstream of me.

It's probably been over a year since I've gotten one and, as with getting my hair cut, after I have it done and realize how much I needed it, I promise myself I'll do it more often. And then I don't.

Only time will tell.

The next thing I did that was long overdue has to do with a very large, ugly bush. Let's all get the giggles out of the way now. LARGE UGLY BUSH!

Ok, on to the story of said bush.

The first time I pulled up to my house (which wasn't mine yet) for an open house, my first thought was, "Holy crap, that large, ugly bush has got to go."

I mean, come on.

I vaguely remember asking the property manager if I could remove it and her telling me I'm not allowed. And then lately there have been break-ins in my neighborhood and what better place to hide than behind the LARGE UGLY BUSH, right? My agenda was clear: chop down the bush!

And so, saw in hand...

BOOM!

As you can see, there's still a stump there. I don't have the necessary tools to dig it out, but my brother suggested using the Jeep's 4-wheel-drive power to do it. Not surprisingly, I've already gotten an offer from a friend to do it for me...in exchange for beer. Aaaand...done.

Come spring, I plan on planting something much more aesthetically pleasing in the spot than the large, ugly bush. Suggestions welcome. Clearly, the HOA's landscaping company pretty much sucks at choosing greenery....and trimming it.

They trimmed this dude a couple months ago and left it like this.

Now, had they trimmed the large, ugly bush like this, I would have kept it.

I mean, who would burgle a house with this out front?

NO ONE!

New ways to scare the shit out of people

Have you ever perused Etsy for shits and giggles? I do it often while trying to will myself to sleep. Last night I came across a jackpot of things no one should probably ever see, let alone pay money to buy. Here are a few true "winners".

When my mom and I were in VA Beach, I saw a mosaic mirror that I really wanted, but didn't buy because, you know, that whole being on a budget thing. Last night I decided to search "mosaic" under "art" just to see what I could find.

Mosaic Dog Fox Wolf Bunny Cement Sculpture

Who, hasn't thought, at one point or another "I need a 'mosaic dog fox wolf bunny' sculpture"? I mean, come on. It's ONLY $10,000! (No, I'm not joking). The description that accompanies this beauty is worth reading, as you can probably imagine.



Searching for "dog art" brought up another winner. This one only costs a mere $800. Yes, that's all!

Hound, Whimsical Paper Mache Dog Sculpture

Basically, a really freaking expensive way to scare the shit out of the real dog. I guess it could also take the place of a real dog...if you want your friends and relatives to really worry about your sanity.



This next one is truly the winningest of them all. Find something more awesomely disturbing and I'll eat my words.

Glass Mosaic Sculpture, "Venus Envy"

I guess this could be a truly brilliant (albeit expensive) way to get the neighborhood kids to stop running through your lawn. It's practically a steal at $5,500. Plus, I bet it shines in the sun. AND it's about 7.5' tall. Who says lawn ornaments can't wear stripper shoes?


And, with that, I hope you all have a pleasant weekend filled with a lot less crazy than the people who will, undoubtedly, buy these items.